Hello kind grown-up,
The comparing game starts early.
Children begin measuring themselves against others almost as soon as they start school. Who is faster. Who is better at reading. Who has more friends. Who got the sticker.
And in a world of social media, curated highlight reels and constant visibility, it only grows.
The comparing mind is not something we can switch off. It is a deeply human instinct, the brain scanning for where we stand in relation to others.
But we can teach children to notice when they’re playing the game, and gently redirect.
What the comparing game does:
It takes the infinite complexity of a person and reduces them to a single measure. It asks: are you better or worse, and ignores the fact that every person is a world of different things.
What helps:
Redirect from comparison to curiosity.
Instead of “I’m not as good as them,” try helping your child ask: “What can I learn from watching them?” Curiosity is expansive. Comparison is a dead end.
Name their particular gifts — specifically.
Not “you’re so clever” but “I notice that you always see how people are feeling. That’s a rare and wonderful thing.” Specific, genuine, observed.
Let them see you resist the game.
When you catch yourself comparing, to another parent, to a colleague, to a previous version of yourself, name it. “I was playing the comparing game just then. I’m going to try to stop.” Children learn enormously from watching us catch ourselves.
Remind them of the sunflower and the starfish.
Everything is the best version of what it is. There is no hierarchy, only difference.
Your child doesn’t need to be the best.
They need to know they are enough.
With warmth,
Lenny 🦁
