Hello kind grown-up,
Sibling relationships are, for many children, the most intense emotional experience of their lives.
No other relationship is quite like it. Siblings share space, resources, attention, history, and family in a way that no friendship ever replicates. They can be a child’s greatest comfort and their greatest source of frustration - sometimes within the same ten minutes.
During school term, siblings are naturally separated for large portions of the day. The holidays remove that breathing space entirely, and the result - more togetherness, more friction, more noise - is not a sign that something has gone wrong.
It is the entirely predictable consequence of people who love each other spending a great deal more time than usual in close quarters.
What helps:
Normalise the friction without dismissing it.
“It makes sense that you’re finding it hard - you’re spending a lot of time together. That’s tricky even when you love someone.”
Avoid taking sides where possible.
Sibling squabbles rarely have a straightforward villain and victim. When adults step in to adjudicate, they often inadvertently intensify the conflict. Where possible, allow children to work through smaller disagreements - the practice is valuable.
Build in individual time.
Each child having some time that is theirs - a separate activity, time with a friend, space to be themselves independently - reduces the pressure that builds from constant togetherness.
Name the love underneath the friction.
Occasionally, in calm moments, it’s worth naming what you observe. “I know you find her really annoying sometimes. I also see how much she looks up to you.” Both things deserve to be said.
Watch for genuine unkindness, separate from friction.
Normal sibling friction - squabbling, competing, winding each other up - is different from sustained unkindness or bullying. The former needs space and patience. The latter needs a direct and gentle response.
The holidays are long. The friction is normal.
And underneath almost all of it is the fundamental, complicated truth of sibling life:
They just want to be near each other.
Even when everything they do suggests otherwise.
With warmth,
Lenny 🦁
