Hello kind grown-up,
One of the less talked-about challenges of the return to school is the friendship recalibration that happens in the first few weeks of September.
Children arrive back having had different summers. Some have been away and broadened their horizons slightly. Some have spent time with family members who’ve shifted their perspective in subtle ways. Some have simply grown - emotionally, physically, socially - in the six weeks they were apart.
And the friendships they left in July have to accommodate all of that change.
For most children, this recalibration is relatively brief - a week or two of slight uncertainty before the friendship group finds its new shape. But during that period, it can feel significant.
A child might come home reporting that their best friend seems different, or closer to someone else, or that they’re not sure where they fit. They might be quieter than usual. They might seem fine at school but need more from home in the evenings.
This is normal. It is not a sign that something has gone wrong with the friendship - it is simply the friendship adjusting to two people who have both changed slightly over the summer.
What helps:
Validate without catastrophising.
“It makes sense that things feel a bit different at the start of term - everyone’s finding their feet again.” This normalises the wobble without dismissing it.
Resist the urge to intervene immediately.
Unless there is evidence of genuine unkindness or exclusion, friendship wobbles in the first weeks of September usually resolve themselves given a little time and space. Stepping in too quickly can sometimes make the dynamic more complicated.
Encourage showing up.
The child who withdraws when friendship feels uncertain often finds the uncertainty grows. Gently encourage continued presence - sitting with the group, joining in, being available - even when it feels exposing.
Keep an eye on the bigger picture.
If friendship difficulties persist beyond the first few weeks, or if a child seems genuinely isolated rather than temporarily uncertain, that warrants closer attention and possibly a quiet conversation with the class teacher.
Stay curious about new people.
The new child in the class, the slightly shifted group dynamic, the friendship that has expanded to include someone new- these aren’t threats to existing relationships. They’re the natural evolution of a social world that is growing alongside your child.
The shape is still forming.
It almost always finds its way.
With warmth,
Lenny 🦁
