Hello kind grown-up,
Jealousy is one of the feelings we are often most uncomfortable letting our children have.
We rush to correct it. “You shouldn’t feel jealous, you have so much already.” Or we shame it gently without meaning to. “That’s not very nice of you to think.”
But jealousy is not a character flaw. It is a universal human emotion — and like all emotions, it serves a purpose. It tells a child something about what they value, what they’re missing, or what they wish were different.
Suppressing the feeling doesn’t make it disappear. It usually just makes children hide it — which means we lose the chance to help them work through it.
What helps:
Name it without judgement.
“It sounds like you might be feeling jealous of your friend’s new toy.” Naming reduces shame and increases understanding.
Validate without minimising.
Avoid “you have plenty already” — even if true, it doesn’t address the feeling. Try instead: “It makes sense you’d want one too. Wanting things is normal.”
Separate the feeling from the action.
Just like anger, jealousy is allowed. Unkindness toward the person who has the thing is not. “You’re allowed to feel jealous. You’re not allowed to be unkind to Maisie about her bike.”
Help them find what’s underneath.
Often jealousy isn’t really about the object — it’s about wanting to feel special, included, or noticed. Gently exploring “what is it you really want?” can be more useful than trying to get them the same object.
Model it yourself, occasionally.
“I felt a bit jealous when my friend got that job. It’s an odd feeling, isn’t it?” Children learn enormously from hearing adults name complicated feelings out loud.
Jealousy handled with curiosity, rather than shame, becomes something a child can recognise, sit with, and move through — rather than something they learn to hide.
With warmth,
Lenny 🦁
